The child wants to be the best - to encourage or counteract perfectionism?

By Admin | Children
13 March 2016

term "perfectionist" Many parents are discovering when understands that under the excessive diligence offspring hidden absolute dissatisfaction with life, and the "first-class" is wrapped around the neuroses and chronic fear of failure.From "grow legs" of child perfectionism, and whether you want to deal with it?
content of the article:

  • signs of perfectionism in children
  • reasons of perfectionism in children
  • child always wants to be first and best
  • problems perfectionists children in the family and society
  • How to save the child from perfectionism

signs of perfectionism in children

What has been the children's perfectionism?Such a child is fantastically hard worker and performer, he is experiencing for every mistake and poorly written out the letter in his life everything should be on the shelves and on the rules.

seems, parents would be happy for the child, but under the guise of perfection perfectionist always lurking fear of error, failure, self-doubt, depression, low self-esteem.A

nd, if not promptly restructure the child, at an older age he faces very serious problems, both in the social and personal life.

How to determine - whether the child is a hardworking and executive, or it's time to start worrying?

child - a perfectionist, if ...

  • To perform basic tasks he takes hours, and its slowness and thoroughness annoying already, even teachers.
  • Each task remade every "ugly" written text corresponds to until everything is perfect.
  • It is difficult to accept criticism and experiencing so much that can be depressed.
  • He sorely afraid to make a mistake.Any failure - it's a disaster.


  • He is constantly trying to compare themselves with their peers.
  • him as the air needs assessment of mom and dad.And, in any, even the most insignificant occasion.
  • He does not like to share with parents their blunders and mistakes.
  • He was not sure of himself, and his self-esteem low.
  • He is attentive to all details and details.

list is certainly not complete, but it is the common features of a child who grows pathological perfectionist.

Who is to blame?

reasons of perfectionism in children

It develops in childhood syndrome "Excellent."At the same time, when the child's mind is not formed completely, and it can affect even casually thrown word.And the blame for perfectionism primarily lies with the parents, who, unable to realize themselves, all their hopes lay on the fragile shoulders of the baby.

causes of child perfectionism are as old as the world:

  • parenting style in which the father and mother are not able to perceive their child as a person and see it more as a kind of continuation of themselves

Most often, parents do not even realize it.Objections and protests of the child shall not be considered potmou that he "must be the best in everything."

  • Too much criticism and low (or even zero) praise

method of "education" in which parents do not leave their child for error.Wrong - whip.I did all right - no carrots.In this tserberskom raise children only one thing - to be perfect in everything.The fear of punishment or the next parent attacks sooner or later lead to failure or anger parents.

  • Nedolyubov

In this case the parents do not require the children of anything supernatural, not attack, and do not punish.... They just do not care.In a vain attempt to earn the love of mom and dad or the child of impotence honors he goes and hides in the classroom by their resentment, or just scores and achievements trying to attract parental attention.

child perfectionist

  • Conjured idols

«Here's a look at Sasha, a neighbor - a umnichka!All can all know happiness, not a child!And you have me ... ".Constant comparison of a child with someone does not pass without a trace - is bound to be a reaction.It's so sad when some neighbor Sasha your mother better than you think.

  • family poverty

«You have to be the best, so you do not work as a janitor!".The child was loaded onto a "full extent" all that is possible to download.And a step to the side.The child is tired, internally protests, but can not do anything - the parents do not allow him to relax even at home.

  • parents themselves - perfectionists

That is, to realize that they are making a mistake in education, they are simply not capable.

  • Low self

child pulls up to the last moment of the assignment, the sorting pens, pencils sharpening it because he's afraid that will not cope.The cause of insecurity and low self-esteem may lie, both in relations with peers or teachers, and in parenting.

Read also: Causes of children's greed - what should parents do if the child is greedy

child always wants to be first and best - good or bad?

So it is better?Being an excellent student with no room for error or troechnikom with stable psyche and joy in my heart?

course, encourage your child to new victories and achievements - this is important.The faster the child will learn to set concrete goals and achieve them, the more successful will be his adult life.

But there is another side of this "coin»:

  • work only on the result - is the lack of natural joys of childhood.Sooner or later the body is tired, and there is apathy, neurosis.
  • In the battle for the high score and win the mugs / child sections overwork.Overload impact on health.
  • fear to make a mistake or do not justify the trust of the parent - is a constant mental stress for the child.Which does not pass unnoticed.
  • excessive demands on myself a little perfectionist extends to all others, with the result that he loses his friends, has no time to communicate with their peers, did not see their mistakes, is not able to work in a team.

result - an inferiority complex and a constant dissatisfaction.

problems perfectionists children in the family and society

Syndrome honors - the fruit of education of the parents.It was only able to time their parents pay attention to it and correct their mistakes.


What can cause children's pursuit of an ideal?

  • senseless waste of time.

Superfluous knowledge of the child does not get 10 times rewriting a text or trying to organize a mountain of material, which he can not even understand.

Do not forget that the child in his childhood put children's joy of life.The consciousness of a child who is deprived of them, automatically adjusts programming for the future of human-workaholic, neurotic, with a bag of complexes in which he has never and no one recognized.

  • Disappointment

ideal is not there.Nothing.Self-improvement is no limit.Therefore, the pursuit of the ideal always illusory and will inevitably lead to disappointment.

Even if the child is a child is experiencing difficulty with such "blows of fate", then as an adult he will be doubly difficult to cope with setbacks and downs.

In the best case, a man throws a deal without completing it.At worst, he gets nervous breakdown with all the consequences.

  • habit - to work, work, work

Recreation - "for the weak."Family perfectionist always suffer from his neglect, intolerance, constant attacks.Rare person is able to live next to a perfectionist and take it as it is.Such family in most cases doomed to divorce.

  • pathological insecurity

Perfectionist always afraid to be a real, open, to be rejected.Get yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes for it is tantamount to heroism, to which hardly anyone dares.

  • Perfectionist, acquires a child, brings out of it the same perfectionist.
  • neurasthenia, mental disorders

All of this - a consequence of constant fear, depending on the opinion of others, emotional stress, escape from people and situations that may expose a perfectionist not with the good side.

How to save the child from the perfectionism - a reminder for parents

To prevent perfektsonizma development and transition to "chronic" stage, parents should review the traditional methods of education.

what experts recommend?

  • Understand the causes perfiktsionizma child and be patient - you will have to contend not only with the symptoms in offspring, but also with the very reasons (at).
  • Begin to establish a base of trust. Your child should not have to be afraid.This also applies to his fear that "mother narugaet", and when the child wants to share with you their problems, but is afraid that he will be punished, ignored, and so on. Be open to the child.
  • Maternal love - unconditional. And nothing else.My mother loves her child, regardless of whether he or troechnik Excellent, won the contest or not, he smeared jacket on the street or even pants torn down from the hills.Do not forget to focus on this unconditional love the attention their child.Let him remember that even here is a bumbling figure mum will love it, and for him not make the top three 30 times to rewrite the text.
  • Help your child discover their uniqueness. take him on any manifestations of worship of idols - be it the hero of the film, or a neighbor Peter.Explain that it is in its uniqueness - its success.And do not compare your baby to other children.
  • shared not only joy, but also a problem child. Search time their child even if permanent employment.
  • Learn to criticize correctly. Not "Oh well, the parasite again brought a deuce!" And "Let's you and I will understand - where we have this pair, and fix it."Criticism should give the child the wings to reach new heights, not a slap kick.


  • If the child is not able to cope with a specific task, not stomp their feet and shouting "Krivorukov!» - help him or postpone this task until the child is ready for it.
  • Help daze, but do not deprive it of independence. Point, but not to get in his decision.Just be there in case your help is needed or shoulder.
  • Teach your child from the cradle that failure - is not a fiasco , not a tragedy, but just one step down, after which is sure to be another three - up.Any mistake - it is an experience, not a mountain.Develop in the child adequate perception of his actions, ups and downs.
  • not deprive the child's childhood. If you want him to play the piano, it does not mean that the child dreams about it.It is possible that you do not even know about his suffering "for the sake of my mother."Do not load a dozen clubs and child developmental classes.Childhood - a fun, games, peers, carelessness, not the endless classes and circles under the eyes from fatigue.Total should be in moderation.
  • Teach your child to communicate in a team. Do not let him withdraw into himself.There are many ways to awaken the child to communicate and socially.Communication - the development and experience a change of feelings and emotions.And hide in their shell - loneliness, complexes, self-doubt.
  • Do not overload the child's household duties. accustom to the order of need, but abused his authority is not necessary.If your child's room every thing - on its ledge, smoothed wrinkles on the blanket, and clothes before going to bed always neatly folded on a chair, you risk to grow perfectionist.
  • Choose a child playing , through which he will be able to overcome their fear of failure.Teach your child to play with dignity - without hysterics.
  • abilities and achievements toddler necessarily encourage and praise , but exaggerated the requirements is not necessary.He brought five - clever!He brought three - not terrible, correct!Do focus on the process of learning and knowledge, and not the result.The result will come himself, if the child is interested.
  • not confuse leadership with diligence and perfectionism. first carry only positive - the baby happy, joy, calm, confident.In the second case, all the "achievements" of the child accompanied by fatigue, isolation, nervous breakdown, depression.

And, of course, talk to the child.Discuss not only the success / failure, and his fears, hopes, dreams, desires - everything.

Share your experiences - like you (Mom and Dad) to cope with setbacks, bug fixes, acquired knowledge.What benefits can bring in the future mistakes and failures of the day.